For Christ's Glory, I Dream Devotions, advice, and book reviews from science fiction and fantasy author Andrea Graham

There’s a guy in church who is seven years older than me; he is 24  and I am 17. I often find myself thinking of a future with this man; does the age difference really matter in the eyes of God?
Thanks,
Thinking of a Future

Dear Future,

It’s more your age than the age difference. When you were 10 and he was 17, there would have been something seriously wrong with him. But when you’re, say, 21 and 28, it won’t matter much, and when you’re 31 and 38, it’ll be nothing.

As for presently, if he’s interested and someone worth getting involved with, he’ll give you space to finish growing up in before making a move. Naturally, you’re a young woman on the verge of adulthood, but you and the guy of your dreams are in different phases of life. Getting involved with him now would pull you into his world before your time, and that’s not healthy for you. If he’s a good guy, he’ll wait until you’re really ready to enter it, and if he is that kind of guy, he’s also worth waiting for.

So, in a nutshell, the answer is: wait. If this is the right one, the Lord will bring you together in His time.

In Christ’s timing,
Andrea Graham

http://lasersword.adamsweb.us ::Laser & Sword Magazine:: Reviving episodic fiction
Featuring: The Order of the Sword and the Rise of the Judge action hero serials

I am a college student and in a very serious relationship with a strong Christian guy. We have been courting for over two years and plan to get engaged within the month. Recently, one of my best guy friends admitted that he liked me. He went as far as to say that he hoped my boyfriend and I had broken up so he could pursue a relationship (he implied marriage) with me. I told him that I was dedicated to my boyfriend and that I was pretty sure he was the one God had for me. My friend understood (hopefully) and said he hoped my relationship with my boyfriend would work out. My question is, should I tell my boyfriend about this? (he will likely be very upset) or just let the situation resolve itself? –Mary*

Dear Mary,

Why do you not want to tell him? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Because you don’t want to hurt his friendship with this other guy, for instance? Or because he’ll be jealous and not want you to see this friend anymore and you’d like to continue to be friends with him?

Trust is an important foundation of relationships, anything that could threaten trust should not be held back. It is generally worse when such things come out by accident later than if one was forth right to begin with. Plus in a healthy marriage, you should feel free to tell each other anything, and now is the time to be laying the groundwork for that relationship.

One thing more: situations like this usually do not resolve themselves. Your friend is male. If his feelings are serious, he’s heart broken, feeling rejected, and probably went and built, smashed, or hit something to work it off, but to you he will smile and say, “Congratulations, I hope it works out.” And if he truly loves you, the better part of him means it as he wants you to be happy and not suffer through the pain of a break up–though as he’s admitted already, another selfish part will fight against this, but it’s the noble side of man that will have control of his mouth at this point.

But feelings don’t just go away because they’re inconvenient and ignoring them could be dangerous. Your friendship should be effected. And if you’re hoping to marry your boyfriend, shouldn’t he be part of your decision making process?

So lets turn the question around: Why wouldn’t you tell him?

In Christ’s Love,

Andrea Graham

Laser & Sword Magazine:: Reviving episodic fiction
Featuring: The Order of the Sword and the Rise of the Judge action hero serials

*not her real name

For Christian brothers and sisters in extended, nonsexual dating relationships who are perplexed by a loss of interest in kissing, i.e. have lost the “in love” feeling, and are wondering what’s caused it. 

Dear Perplexed,

There  are several different things it could be. Stress, medication, depression, etc can inhibit sexual desires (here expressed via kissing.) If you’ve been having relationship difficulties, that can do it (the feelings usually come back if you work out the problem here.)  Seeing a doctor might be necessary to eliminate these.

This could also mean you’ve been hit with something nearly all marriages experience where, emotionally, the honeymoon is over before you’ve made it to the altar.  The initial, thrilling phase of love was never meant to last forever. Considering how we behave under it’s influence, generally it’s a good thing the “in love” feeling does wear off.  But the transition period that follows is when a marriage is really tested and the same goes when this occurs in premarital relationships as well. Married couples that make it through that minor/major crisis (the degree of relationship trauma varies)  find the next phase of marriage a comfortable and stable kind of love, even if they don’t come together as often and have to work at romance (this tends to coincide with a taking each other for granted).

If you track the length of your relationship in years, even unmarried and not sexually involved, and the above physical causes are eliminated, the odds are you’re experiencing this natural phenomena. In which case you’ll have to decide together, since it’s happening before marriage, whether you want to work at it, or just be friends.

So what do I think you should do? Honestly? If you don’t feel tempted in the least to get intimate, have no sexual desire for each other on any level (rather than the flesh divided against the spirit, as it would likely be with conviction against the behavior) and especially if the idea grosses you out even in the context of matrimony, while it is natural for such physical feelings to level off in a relationship over time, you’d probably be better off giving the romantic relationship a proper burial rather than entering marriage with the honeymoon already over.

That said, love is more than an emotion. It’s also a commitment. I can’t tell you if this is the one, and neither necessarily can your emotions, and certainly not the flame of passion taking it’s natural course and burning down to a flickering ember that requires stoking to keep alive. The advice on who to marry ultimately has to come from the Throne.

Assuming you’ve not developed an actual physical aversion that’s not due to any physiological issue as above, it would be possible to overcome this and have a happy marriage if that were God’s will. But if you feel like you’d be dissatisfied without a stronger physical spark, marriage wouldn’t be advisable. I’d rather you not have to struggle with wandering eye syndrome that could result from longing for the honeymoon stage of love that may have skipped town on you before you could legally enjoy it.

But as I said, it could also be coming from outside or physiological stressors, in which case, relieving those problems should restore things.

You might want to pick up some books on courtship and go through them together as well. It’s best to focus premarital romance on exploring the possibility of marriage in the immediate future rather than dragging on and getting hit with this leveling off without the commitment of marriage. Because the fact is, love does this. That’s why divorce has become so prevalent in our society. Dating, as popularly practiced, gets couples accustomed to breaking up when this happens rather than working through it.

In Christ the Consuming Fire,

Andrea Graham

Light at the Edge of Darkness, An Anthology of Biblical Speculative Fiction
Featuring: FROZEN GENERATION a short story by Andrea Graham

available from the Writer’s Cafe Press

Hi, I am a senior in High School and I am going crazy and don’t know what to do. I am in love with a girl. She has said she likes me several times and I told her I like her, but its hard to tell her how much I love her, or how tears fill my eyes when I think about her or look at a picture of her. She recently went to a church camp where she realized she isn’t that big on dating while in high school. She met a guy there who she said was cool that goes to our school.
This is my problem. Every time I think of her liking other guys or not going out with me (which she isnt right now) I get depressed and get a stomach ache. After I graduate this year I will go to college, the same one where she will be 2 years after I start there. I’m afraid to ask her out for fear of going to fast or getting rejected but I cant go through life without being with someone who IS my life. I’m running in circles but if I keep doing so, it could have terrible effects on my emotions and life.What should I say to her? How would I cope with rejection from her? I could barely stand not seeing her for a week, what are the 2 years going to be like?–Seth

Seth, I understand how hard it can be to cope with such strong emotions. But if she’s expressed a desire to not date in high school, the best way to express love for her is to respect her conviction and support her in maintaining her desired level of sexual purity. Could either of you reasonably get married within the next 6-12 months? If not, getting romantic with anyone will likely lead to sorrow.

You might want to consider talking to your pastor, a counselor or another older guy you look up to (an older lady would do if good men are scarce where you are, but for this purposes you’ll want someone you can sit down with and talk with in person ideally). While common, I’m not convinced what you’re experiencing is entirely healthy, but I think you already know that. Emotionally, for you, she seems to have fallen into a hole we all have in our have in our hearts, but Seth, that’s a hole only Jesus Christ can successfully fill.

Art (music, drawing, poetry, whatever you’re most inclined to) is another outlet for coping with the spectrum of emotions overwhelming you, and can be a form of prayer (which I highly recommend naturally)

If this girl is your life . . . you need a new one (life, not girl) no female on this planet can shoulder that load. If you can fit another activity in, another place to focus besides on her would help as well. Most of us have a “things I’d like to do/learn/study someday” list of some kind. Why not take one or two off yours?

Communication is always helpful. Nothing wrong with an open honest discussion with the girl about this. Usually best to have such things out in the open. Just don’t put any pressure on her and prepare yourself to accept the response. If the fear of rejection is too strong to say it, put it in writing. If you’re a musician, you could put it all to music and give the song to her (In my second year of college, my husband Adam won me with an epic long poem where he poured out his feelings, including his fears of rejection and all that.) God would be a great audience as well, especially for laments. Do let her know also what I said about respecting her standards earlier if you can bring yourself to that place. Encouraging her to wait till she’s finished with high school for romance will have the added bonus that treating her with such respect will likely endear you to her even more and it’s not to your disadvantage here if she doesn’t date. But I’d deal with the dependency/heart issue within your self first.

Ever heard the cliche about how true love waits? It’s true. If she’s the right one for you, God will bring you together in His own good time. I realize how impossibly slow that sometimes feels. But if you can trust in that truth, it’ll make it much easier to let go emotionally when you’re releasing her (and yourself) into His hands, knowing if this good isn’t the good he has for you, he just has something even better in store.

As for going through life with someone who is your life–this girl is a turtle at best, and while turtles can look like good rocks, they’re actually quite lousy ones. If you don’t want a turtle deciding to get up and move and leave you behind in the dust, I’d suggest turning to the Rock of Ages. Whether the two of you are already acquainted or not, Jesus is the only solid foundation you can build your life on that will never be shaken or moved. If you’re focusing your life around anything or anyone else, that’s an unsure foundation and ill-equipped to get you through the storms of life.
On Christ the Solid Rock,
Andrea Graham

Coming this April: Light at the Edge of Darkness, An Anthology of Biblical Speculative Fiction
Featuring: FROZEN GENERATION a short story by Andrea Graham

Venture to futures where faith equates to terrorism. Where terrorists smuggle frozen embryos to save lives and resist invasive technologies designed to break their very souls

available from the Writer’s Cafe Press

Trackposted to Outside the Beltway, The Virtuous Republic, Perri Nelson’s Website, Blog @ MoreWhat.com, Rosemary’s Thoughts, DeMediacratic Nation, Big Dog’s Weblog, Webloggin, Leaning Straight Up, The Amboy Times, Cao’s Blog, The Bullwinkle Blog, The Pet Haven, Conservative Cat, Conservative Thoughts, Diary of the Mad Pigeon, Allie Is Wired, The World According to Carl, Blue Star Chronicles, Pirate’s Cove, Planck’s Constant, The Pink Flamingo, CommonSenseAmerica, CORSARI D’ITALIA, High Desert Wanderer, Right Voices, The Yankee Sailor, and Public Eye, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.

How do people refrain from having sex before they get married? I’m 18 and I’ve never touched myself before or had sex but it’s getting difficult. How can I keep myself pure?

–Kyle

Dear Kyle,

I commend you for your decision to remain sexually pure. By following God’s design for sex, you’ll gain far more than the scorn of mockers, you’ll both maximize pleasure and minimize pain and regrets.

I realize how easy it is to forget this in the heat of the moment. Believe it or not, until about five years ago now, I was an unmarried person two years out of her teens, in love, and fighting to save it for marriage. Self control has never been a strong suit for me, and we lacked support as far as our family didn’t understand all our standards (beyond the no taking your clothes off thing.) But by the grace of God, we made it. Let me share with you what worked for us:

1) We sat down and discussed our standards of purity. For that matter, Adam and I were “just friends” until about a week before he proposed to me. Yeah, we were a tad . . . psychotic about it. Still, the principle of focusing on friendship when relating to the opposite sex until you’re ready to explore the possibility of marriage will save you a lot of heartache whether you call this marriage-centered premarital dance “dating” or “courtship.”Most find socializing becomes much less stressful when they throw out the pressures of dating, too.

If you’re already seeing someone regularly, now is the time to sit down and talk about where this relationship is headed. Can you honestly see yourself marrying this girl in the next 12-18 months? If not, it’s time to rethink your status. Getting romantic with someone you couldn’t reasonably take down to the courthouse and marry in a pinch is a recipe for disaster.

For that reason, most would be better off hitting the couples events with a good friend of the opposite sex and leave off on dating/courtship until they’ve finished school, and, depending on their goals, perhaps even gotten started in their career. Put into wide practice, this would alleviate some of our major social problems today. If someone’s plans are so important that s/he’d consider murdering any surprise bundles of someone’s joy to stay on course, don’t those plans deserve their exclusive attention?

2) We agreed upon what we would allow. We put it in writing, which is helpful if you revisit the document as a reminder, but a verbal agreement will also suffice. In our case, we allowed hand holding, but wanted to save kissing on the lips for the wedding. We had no support network to hold us accountable, so we ended up breaking that particular rule after about four days.

The thing to realize here is, love-making involves more than mere penetration. On a practical level, “making out,” or most romantic kissing is entering the initial stages of making love with the intention of quitting before penetration. When I try that tact with a brownie, before I know it, I haven’t had “just one little bite,” I’ve eaten the whole brownie. The only way I can stay diet-pure is to not touch the brownie at all.

Why is this relevant to sexual purity? Nearly any marriage book will tell you, and this is especially true for the female, “the marriage act” begins even before any physical contact is made. Which is why you have “spiritual adultery” situations where a man has emotionally/spiritually cleaved (ie, has a soul tie) with another woman even though he’s never actually touched her. In short, whether traveling the slippery road down Mount Diet or Mount Love, the sooner you put the brakes on, the easier it is to stop.

3) We committed to getting married before we allowed ourselves to indulge. When things got too hot, Adam would literally threaten to drive me down to courthouse and wake up the justice of the peace. That was more effective than any cold shower for me. It’ll work just as well with nearly any girl. Which leads me to point four . . .

4) We respected each other’s boundaries/guarded each other’s purity. Actually, I had a bit of a problem here. I had the idea in my head, since he respected mine, that he didn’t have the same yearning and figured I could lean on him and let him take care of most of this self-control business. So poor Adam ended up shouldering about 3/4s of the load. Most aren’t quite as naive and trusting as I was, I hope, but in our culture, at times you will have to show respect for the girl you’re out with even though she doesn’t have any respect for herself. That’s a truly Christ-like love. If seeing a girl who shares my former naivety, don’t pretend to be stronger than you are. Let her know that despite how perfect she thinks you are, and that while you do value her purity and yours, you’re also a sinful human being, and need her working with you at this guarding each other’s purity thing.

5)We eliminated opportunities to mess up as much as possible. We agreed on rules to this end—we were not allowed beyond each other’s doorstep if no one else was on the premises, we were never allowed in each other’s bedrooms. All our dates had to be in public settings, and we were not allowed to park anywhere that we wouldn’t have any fear of getting arrested if we got too physical. I also discovered how enticing the fear of discovery can be when we used “we’re engaged” as an excuse to relax this one, so I don’t recommend the practice at all. One thing based on what we did—does it really matter if your parents are in the living room, if you’re alone in the laundry room and no one can hear or is likely to interrupt? We managed to stop ourselves, (okay, he managed to stop ourselves), but that was a tempting situation we’d have done better to have avoided.

6) Chief of all, we prayed and studied the bible together regularly. Whether by phone, at church, a coffee house, or while strolling through a public park, it doesn’t matter. The point is to keep Christ at the center of the relationship (as a bonus, if it does lead to marriage, you’ll be starting that off on the right foot as well!) Trust me. His strength IS made perfect in our weaknesses, and you definitely need to stay bathed in his word in this season.

Abiding in Christ like this is always important, but especially at times where you’re needing a special grace to make it through temptation. Satan might be able to break a cord constructed of only your efforts and hers, but if Christ is with you, that’s another story altogether: A cord of three strands cannot be easily broken. (Ec 4:12)

One thing to realize here is that God’s grace isn’t a card to get us out of trouble when we mess up. God’s forgiveness will deliver us if we truly desire to turn and do things His way. But God’s grace is an active grace that not only enables us to get back up when we’ve fallen, but to keeping running and not stumble when temptation calls. That’s why I’ve spoken about sexual purity rather than virginity. If you stumble and fall sexually, you can’t ever get your physical virginity back. But by God’s grace, you can get your sexual purity back, and keep on running.

7) Our circumstances made this difficult for us, but I want to reiterate the importance of your social network. Take a close look at the people you surround yourself with. It’s easier to keep pure when those around you are rooting for you. Seek out people who share your values, cultivate friendships with those who will encourage you and hold you accountable.

As much as possible, distance yourself from friends who don’t understand why you care about sexual purity and mock, discourage, or seek to make it easier for you to slip up. It’s okay to have one or two friends, or to allow contact with family members, who are not Christians and don’t practice sexual purity themselves–so long as they don’t disrespect you as I just mentioned.

But if all, or even most, of your friends are doing it and really don’t get why you’re not, even if they do try to respect you, that’s not good for you. You’re more likely to relax your moral standards if outnumbered. If you’re the one being influenced rather than being a positive influence on them, you’ve lost all biblical reasons to cultivate those relationships.

It’s true we should ideally be strong enough to stand firm no matter what everyone else is doing, and it’s true God can strengthen us to that end. But the scripture also teaches not to put him to the test in this regards. Cut off relationships that have a strong undertow pulling you away from God and undermine your quest for sexual purity, and cultivate those that encourage you towards Him and hold you accountable to His standard.

One more tip for those being pressured by someone their dating to go farther than they’re comfortable with or into actual sex. It’s one thing if s/he shares my weakness for self-control and is merely being naive and too trusting. It’s quite another if s/he simply doesn’t share your values and shows nothing but disrespect and scorn for your desire for sexual purity. Take it personal and walk away. Hold out for someone who will respect you—and who shares your values and faith. As Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together except they be agreed?”

May the Grace and love of Christ be with you always. Amen.

In His Purity,

Andrea Graham

Trackposted to Outside the Beltway, Perri Nelson’s Website, Blog @ MoreWhat.com, DeMediacratic Nation, Big Dog’s Weblog, Right Truth, On the Horizon, Stuck On Stupid, Leaning Straight Up, The Amboy Times, Cao’s Blog, Conservative Cat, Diary of the Mad Pigeon, third world county, Woman Honor Thyself, stikNstein… has no mercy, The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns, Pirate’s Cove, The Pink Flamingo, Dumb Ox Daily News, Right Voices, and Church and State, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.

Oh yeah, and of course I’ve got to invite Adam.