For Christ's Glory, I Dream Devotions, advice, and book reviews from science fiction and fantasy author Andrea Graham

I am a very happily married woman of three years. My husband is honestly all I could have ever asked for and more, but it seems as though at least two or three times a year I find myself thinking of my first love. I find myself missing him wondering if he ever thinks of me. We dated for a long time and I thought he was the man I was going to marry but he broke things off and that was a very traumatic experience for me. I am a very happy mother and wife so I am wondering why I am getting these feelings! I wrote a letter trying to find closure and my husband read it and said he would like me to first pray about it and talk to the girls in my accountability group about it. After talking with them they said it would not be in my best interest to send it. I feel like no one understands what I am going through. I don’t know where this emotion is coming from. I was hoping you would be able to give me some helpful advice! Thank you for taking the time to read this if nothing else.–Darci

Dear Darci,

I feel your pain, really, I do. That was very brave of you to share this with your group, bravo. I understand how alone you must feel. Most never have the courage to bring this sort of thing into the light. To me, this sounds like a spiritual attack straight from the pits of hell. If there’s one thing the devil hates most on this earth, it’s a happy marriage, and he’ll do whatever he can to bust it up, or at least end the happy part, if not the married part. If you’d married your first love, he’d still try to find someone to tempt you with, to shame and distress you if he can’t create actual martial strife. Temptation is not a sin, acting on it is, and dwelling on it can become sin. Writing a letter for closure’s not entirely a bad idea, but sending it probably is. I don’t think it’d lead to closure, but rather open the door wider and take more peace away rather than giving it.

As I said, a large part of this is coming from the devil, but I think I also smell what we call in Christianese a soul tie. In standard English, that’s an emotional/spiritual bond formed in intimate relationships, usually physical, but not always, and as you said, you’d thought you were going to marry this guy, and such anticipation usually involves giving him your heart, and while he’s out of your life and the heart has been broken, mended, and deeded to your husband in full, as is all too common, the former tie is still there, and a piece of your heart missing. Closure often means getting that piece back and severing the soul tie between you and your first love, and the person to turn to for that, the bible also refers to as our first love (meaning Jesus.) Christ can mend broken hearts and retrieve what is lost, He’s the first person to contact. Seek Him in prayer and ask him to break the tie/bring closure. Likewise, I will pray for you as well.

If, after much prayer, you feel the Lord is telling you it’s necessary to contact your old boyfriend to heal, I’d suggest letting your husband protect you. In other words, ask your husband to initiate the contact on your behalf (by whatever means), and by all means, don’t meet, phone, or do anything with this man without your husband there with you. The sole purpose of any contact should be to sever the old tie and heal your heart, so your husband will possess all of it and so the devil will have one less piece of ammo to use against you.

If for some reason your husband isn’t able/willing to play the role I’ve prescribed, ask your pastor or other spiritual mentor for this assistance.

In Christ’s Love,
Andrea Graham

P.S. Readers, this letter is case-in-point why I advocate the principles of traditional courtship rather than modern dating. Which is better, trying on one or more men and giving away pieces of your heart to several different people before finding the right one, thereby not having an intact-heart to present to your true love but rather a bunch of potential martial hazards, pain, and regrets? Or focusing all premarital romantic relationships on prayerfully exploring the possibility of marriage in the immediate future, while guarding your heart so you can walk away as friends if needs be and thereby still be able to present your heart in-tact to your spouse at the wedding?
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