Since the start of this year I have found out that all 4 of my brothers, my Dad and my husband use porn. This has been a huge and very difficult reality that I am still stuggling to come to terms with. My mom and dad raised us with strong Christian values. In fact my Dad was the Bishop of our congregation while I was growing up. I am shocked and sadened by this info. I don’t understand what is up with all the men in my life. I am worried sick for my young son. If ALL the men in his family have this problem to some extent , what hope does he have? What is wrong with men? Why can’t they be happy with what they claim to love. The more reseadch i do into the effects of pron on men and marriages make me feel even more hopless. It changes men’s minds, it makes them not be attracted to their wives.

With all this, i feel, what is the point. My husband of 9 years lies and lies to me, until I show him proof that I know what is going on. This has not been the first time he has lied about inapropriate actions on his part. He claims to be repentant, and goes to see the our bishop, but never really seems remorseful, just defensive. If I get upset, he gets upset and that is not productive, if I don’t he just drops it and acts like it’s not a big deal. He says it’s between him and God and so it dosen’t involve me.

I feel betrayed and angry towards all these men, for what they are doing to thier wives and myself. I figure, what’s the point anymore. It’ll just happen again and my husband will never be honest about it with me for obvious reasons. He says he will , but he just keeps lying and I keep finding evidence.

So if there is not trust it is very hard to have love, and if there is no love than I feel, what’s the point. But what is the point of divorce either. It would kill my kids and that is NOT what I want to do to those innocent children. I feel like I don’t even want to bother with having a relationship with all these men who don’t/won’t change. I don’t even know if I believe it is possible for them to change. I hear them all diminishing the problem, saying it’s not serious.

I am becoming bitter toward men and indifferent towards the ones in my family. I know this is not a Christ-like outlook, but what eles can i do? i don’t feel it wise to keep putting trust, faith and love into things that just end up hurting me and the ones around me.

I guess I am not asking for advise just sharing my grief with you about how men are slimy jerks.

Since my last post, we have this software up and running that we heard about from a speaker at a local church that we visited. The group is called xxxchurch and I would highly reccommend that any woman who is looking for answers with her man’s porn problem check it out. They have this software you can load on your computer that is supposed to help him stay away from viewing porn, because he knows that you will know whether he tells you or not. So far, it has been helpful for us. I get an email every 2 weeks with any website that seems questionable. So far so good here. I’m so glad that I have not pushed this to the side as it is a serious problem… I know more steps need to be taken, but this is a start.

I still have not brought this up in counseling because I guess I’m just not sure how to… especially because it is such a heavy and embarassing subject. It is one thing to write this all out on the internet but a completely different matter when we are all three sitting in a room face to face. I am hoping for the strength to bring this up before our counseling is completed, which should be about 3 more sessions, all two weeks apart from each other.

I will check out that website. Thanks so much.

A resource you might want to look into is Reading Your Male it has extensive research on porn addiction and male sexuality in general that will help women understand what the men in their lives deal with everyday and what we can do to help them navigate the dangers. Not light reading, but highly recommended.

Last night I discovered that a porn site was one tf the top 9 websites visited on my computer, thanks to this new google “top visited pages” thing that opens up on my screen when I open a new tab. I knew that this was something that he had a problem with before, and have caught him doing this before, but I thought it was not a problem anymore. (I had suspision, he always deletes his browsing history, but he just says it’s habit.)

We are going through pre-marital counseling (we have a session tomorrow) and I believe that this is a serious problem that he needs to confront. He does not want to bring it up in counseling, saying that this is something we can fix on our own. He downloaded software from xxxchurch.com (a christian porn help site) that sends me emails if he visits any porn sites, but I still feel like there are deep issues that need to be addressed, possibly in counseling. Should we bring this up in counseling? Or is this a private matter? He says this is something he has struggled with since he was younger, which is what leads me to believe this is an addiction. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to make a bigger deal out of it than it is, but I feel hurt and betrayed. I asked him how often this happens, he says about once every 2 weeks (which means about twice as much, right?) He seems very apologetic and knows that I am hurt… Says “I’ll change”.

I know he is embarassed and this is why he does not want to talk about it in counseling. What to do!

Check out my post on it: http://www.selfhelphypnosisjunkie.com/2007/03/11/my-husband-has-a-porn-addiction/

I understand your feelings. It is a hard thing to deal with. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. If you were in his position, would he be a bad husband and father for divorcing you and taking the children from you?
Adultery is an offense you can biblically divorce over, and based on scripture and the nature of the beast, porn can be considered a form of adultery. But do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If your husband is willing to work things out and take the steps necessary to be faithful to you from now on, by all means, stay, get into counseling with him, and get yourself the help you need to come to terms with this.
If, however, he will not repent, and you’ve given him every opportunity to, and your conscience doesn’t tell you otherwise, then you are free.
If the child is a boy, I highly recommend Bringing Up Boys. As the book says, boys need their fathers to learn how to be a man. A girl likewise learns how to relate to her husband from her relationship with her father. An absent father is associated with sexual disorders and disfunctions of all colors.
But any father isn’t necessarily better than none. An emotionally absent father (which porn addicts have a high rate of being) or otherwise not modeling positive, loving relationships can be just as bad. If the addict will not repent and straighten his life out, the child will suffer whether you divorce him or not. So for the ladies dealing with a stiff-necked man who won’t repent and turn back to his covenant, if the Lord releases you, if you trust Him, He can also provide a good father for your children (one way or another.)
But if he will repent–stick it out and get to counseling for help to heal the breach and rebuild trust. It may seem hopeless now, but by the grace of God, your marriage can recover. It takes both spouses being committed to working it out, however.